Have you ever been in line behind someone at the store, gotten bored and ended up studying what they’re buying? Just trying to make sense of it? No? Just me?
I was in a long, slow line at a store on Saturday night. I won’t say the name, but you can GENERALly save a DOLLAR there. Anyway, there was a lady in line in front of me who was taking a long time at the cash register. I know the staff was happy to see that, since it was four minutes until closing time. Anyway, she wanted to buy some cigarettes and they were locked behind glass and they had to go find a key. Once they did, they started ringing up her order, which included five packs of Marlboros, five two-liter Pepsis and one box of Twinkies. My first thought was, “HEY, PARTY AT HER HOUSE WOO HOO!. Then I really started to think about it all.
As I stood there for several minutes waiting on a frustrated store employee to find the key to the cigarette case, I noticed a sign that read, “No refunds or exchanges on tobacco products.” If there is a sign posted addressing something, you have to assume it’s there for a reason.
“Excuse me, I’d like to get my money back on this purchase please.”
“A half smoked pack of cigarettes? I’m afraid we can’t do that.”
“Is that what these are? You’ll have to excuse my ignorance, I thought it was a pack of scented candles.”
“Even so, we can’t refund this purchase.”
“Well, there was also false advertising. The ads say they have a satisfying flavor and they show pictures of cowboys and whatnot. So I was thinking it would taste like a steak cooked on a campfire. Instead, it tasted like the back end of the cowboy’s horse and dirt.”
Also, why is the tobacco case kept under lock and key? They sell headphones, video game systems and all kinds of phone accessories that are way more expensive and those sit right out in the open on top of the locked tobacco case. Maybe it’s because there is an age restriction, but you don’t have to crack some safe combination to grab a six-pack of beer, which is also age restricted.
Anyway, once they’d entered a series of complex codes and fought through a pack of guard dogs to get the lady her smokes, she told the cashier she’d forgotten something and needed to go grab it. So now, I and the rest of the line were just left to stand there and wait. So that left me to do checkout line math…the lady was arming herself with five packs of smokes, five large bottles of Pepsi and one box of Twinkies (10 came in the box). So, that’s two Twinkies for every bottle of Pepsi and pack of smokes. How long would that last her? Was this a week’s supply? Maybe it was just the weekend or MAYBE the lady needed to stay awake for some reason. Sugar, caffeine and nicotine will certainly do the trick there. But, why would she need to stay awake all night? I guess she could have been a trucker, or maybe not. She was a slightly built person, so maybe she was picking this stuff up for someone else.
“Don’t tell anybody, but I’m secretly buying these for the neighbor’s kid.”
“It is highly illegal and downright shameful to give this stuff to kids.”
“Oh, not the cigarettes. The soft drinks and Twinkies. Their parents are health nuts.”
“Yeah, like I said lady, highly illegal and downright shameful. The kid won’t blink for a month.”
There was no other checkout line open and this particular location doesn’t have a self-checkout line like the one right down the road, that has two signs on it. One says, “YES, this machine accepts cash.” The other says, “Cards only for this machine.” That isn’t confusing at all.
Finally the lady returned with the item she’d forgotten about. I didn’t even notice what it was. I just wanted her to move along, then pay for my trash bags, chocolate bunny and doggy chew toys and move along. By the way, there were several people in line behind me, and I guess they are still pondering why I was buying such an odd combination of stuff too.
Now, fast forward to Tuesday. I was driving to work and passed a guy sitting on the Broad River Bridge in his pajamas smoking a cigarette and sort of rubbing his head. I guess that answers all our questions and proves your first instinct is usually the best one. He probably knows the lady I was in line behind and WOO HOO it must have been some kind of party.
